THE JOY OF KETANJI BROWN JACKSON
Judge Jackson withstands the relentless stupidity of Republicans during her confirmation hearing.
1) POP POP LEADS THE FREE WORLD!
Since this is my newsletter, let's start off with news about me! The next show of So Many Issues with Lukas will be on April 25th at SoHo House New York! We have a great lineup planned and I may be doing a lip sync performance in addition to telling jokes about my tragic dating life. It’s going to be a great show!
Obviously, the most important news story in the world is the ongoing war in Ukraine, but because the news developments are constant I chose to focus the whole newsletter on another really important headline: Bravo is rebooting The Real Housewives of New York City with an all new, young and diverse cast and launching a spinoff starring “legacy” Housewives! If you heard screams coming from the Upper East Side, this is why.
I urge you all to watch the speech President Biden gave in Poland. Not only did he reassure our NATO allies and the people of Ukraine, he firmly committed himself to the fight for democracy across the world. Yes, his final improvised line has been misconstrued to be a formal announcement that the United States supports regime change in Russia, but it does not detract that the speech will not only be a defining speech of his presidency but also in history.
2) THE DUMMIES!
The Academy Awards are tonight so I thought it would be fun to have a little award show of my own. Now, live from my kitchen table, here is “The Dummies.”
Best Supporting Conspiracy Theorist: Josh Hawley wins this one for shamelessly spreading misinformation about Judge Jackson’s decisions on child pornography cases, accusing her of being lenient on the offenders. This is Hawley’s first win since helping incite the January 6th insurrection. He wants to thank all the QAnon believers out there who are helping keep his presidential ambitions alive and paying for his summer house by buying mugs with a picture of him raising his fist in the air.
Dumbest Question Ever Asked: Due to the effort she gave using all three of her brain cells to question Judge Jackson over critical race theory and gender identity, Marsha Blackburn wins this highly competitive award! The critics call her performance “dumb” and “wow I guess anyone can be a Senator, huh?” Asking Judge Jackson how to define “woman” truly is what snatched her this prize! Oh and she also takes home Best Hair for looking like she’s a suburban housewife from 1983 who uses a minimum of two bottles of hairspray a day and put her finger in an electric socket.
Best Performance by a Homophobe: John Cornyn spent the majority of his allotted time questioning Judge Jackson on Obergefell v. Hodges, the case that legalized same-sex marriage. This noteworthy performance deserves recognition for his obvious disdain for allowing gay people to be happy and clear desire to call me the f****. As a mainstream Republican, John Cornyn’s performance is a great reminder why you can roll your eyes so hard they may get stuck when someone says, “I vote Republican but I support LGBQ people.”
Best Unhinged Performance by a Lead Actor: Lindsey Graham gave a performance with the emotional power of Jessica Lange but without any of the talent. In a twist that everyone saw coming, Graham began the hearing calling for civility and then quickly chose violence when he asked Judge Jackson inappropriate questions about her faith and screamed about her work defending Guantanamo Bay detainees when she was a public defender. At one point, Lady G got so worked up he stormed out of the hearing like he was Ramona Singer on set at a RHONY reunion.
Best Troll: Ted Cruz wins the top prize for continuing to live up to his reputation as the most disliked person ever to serve in the Congress. Yes, I’m including the segregationist who beat up an abolitionist with a cane in 1856. His misguided questioning of Judge Jackson for serving on the board of trustees of my alma mater Georgetown Day School was absurd, but I have never been more proud to be a GDS Hopper! "Do you agree … that babies are racist?" no doubt will be what lies on his tombstone that no one will visit. Though his attacks were less focused (he also went the transphobic “define woman” route), Ted’s performance was so despicable, he proved that he is as evil as he is dumb. He is a bridge troll except without the talent or intellectual ability to think of clever riddles.
3) THE BEST OF AMERICA!
If those Republicans represent the worst of America, Ketanji Brown Jackson represents the best. Judge Jackson resisted all attempts by Republicans to undermine her career and composure. With the weight of history on her shoulders, she stood tall (metaphorically speaking, she was sitting most of the time) and made all of us proud. Let’s be honest, if I was her, I would have been a little less dignified responding to Republican bullshit….
Judge Jackson, though, does not have the privilege of losing her temper like I would or, well, Brett Kavanugh actually did during his confirmation hearings. Imagine if she even made the faces he made? The only thing she could get away with was a long pause after Ted Cruz asked the racist baby question! Kavanaugh got to yell and accuse the Democrats of leading a conspiracy against him on behalf of the Clintons. He was credibly accused of sexual assault and yet Republicans spent a good deal of time during Judge Jackson’s hearings complaining about how unfair he was treated! Judge Jackson had to respond calmly to every Republican lie. She has to be exceptional to succeed. Kavanaugh gets to be as mediocre as warm beer left out all night in the frat house.
During the hearings, Judge Jackson expressed regret that such a significant chunk of time was spent on questioning her on child pornography cases instead of the other significant parts of her career. Republicans demeaned the process by focusing on culture-war issues instead of serious judicial topics. When Amy Coney Barrett was rushed through the confirmation process in between fittings for her Handmaid’s bonnet, Democrats asked her a lot about health care and the importance of the ACA. (Adding this to the list of "why the two political parties are not the same!”)
We learned last week that Republicans will use “abortion” or “marriage” not explicitly being in the Constitution to defend their quest to take away our rights. We learned they will fake outrage and lie about someone's career when they voted to confirm judges who decided the same way that they are fiercely disagree with. We also learned that Judge Jackson gives us hope that the best days of this country are ahead of us. King of America Joe Manchin said he will vote to confirm Judge Jackson, cementing her place in history on April 8 when the full Senate votes. No one will take away her (or Cory Booker’s) joy!
4) NOW THIS IS A SCANDAL!
The Washington Post got ahold of text messages between former Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows and Conservative activist Ginni Thomas, who happens to be the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. In the words of Whitney Houston, “show me the receipts!” And, well, we have RECEIPTS!
The gist of the 29 text messages that the January 6th Committee can be summed up by Ginni’s text to Meadows on November 10th, 2020, “The Left is attempting the greatest Heist of our History.” I do not understand why Democrats are not giving this scandal that actual attention and scrutiny it deserves! My God, Republicans spent millions of dollars investigating Hillary Clinton for sending “pls print” from a private email server. Oh, and because irony died a brutal Catelyn Stark-like-death years ago, we also learned that Mark Meadows used a private email while in office. He joins the list of the many Trump administration officials who used a private email when they were in the White House.
The text messages prove that Ginni Thomas wanted to help Trump overturn the 2020 election. Though the texts do not mention her husband by name, we should all be calling for his resignation or at least an investigation. Clarence Thomas was just released from the hospital so now is the perfect time to ask him why he was the ONLY Justice to vote against allowing the January 6th committee from getting Trump’s records.
5) MORE NEWS!
Hillary Clinton tested positive for COVID-19 and I did not take the news well.
HBO Max renewed And Just Like That… for a second season, which I hope will tell the story of how Che Diez pulls a Zelenskyy and goes from being a comedian to the president.
The Labor department reported that the number of Americans applying for unemployment benefits is at its lowest level since 1969. I wonder what 27-year-old Joe Biden would say in 1969 if he knew he’d one day be the president to lead the country out of one of the worst crisis in history…. probably something like “what the fuck am I still doing still working at 80?!!”
This past week, Joe Biden ate, what looks like, the worst pizza ever in Poland with U.S. soldiers. To be fair, the Polish aren’t known for pizza! He met with Ukrainian refugees and reminded all of us that we once had a president who told a child that Santa wasn’t real and threw paper towels at Hurricane Maria survivors. That was real life.
The worst “will they won’t they” relationship story in history may actually be coming to a positive end soon! Senator Joe Manchin told climate activists that he’d support a new version of Build Back Better that would fund clean energy initiative, lower prescription drug costs, and decrease the deficit through increasing taxes on corporations. Yay…
6) KBJ IS POPULAR!
The Washington Post: Virginia Thomas urged White House chief to pursue unrelenting efforts to overturn the 2020 election, texts show
The New York Times: Hillary Clinton: Madeleine Albright Warned Us, and She Was Right
The New York Times: The Story Behind That Photo of Ketanji Brown Jackson and Her Daughter
CNN: Ketanji Brown Jackson is the most popular Supreme Court nominee in years
Vox: The simplest, most revolutionary approach to ending poverty
Vox: What we can learn from Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s TV presidency
The New Yorker: Sarah Bloom Raskin Withdraws Her Nomination to the Federal Reserve Board
Collider: 7 Things We’re Most Excited to See in ‘The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power’
Vox: Why Ketanji Brown Jackson’s time as a public defender matters
The New York Times: Madeleine Albright, First Woman to Serve as Secretary of State, Dies at 84
The Atlantic: Why Can’t the West Admit That Ukraine Is Winning?
The New York Times: Trump Is Guilty of ‘Numerous’ Felonies, Prosecutor Who Resigned Says
The Atlantic: Another COVID Wave Is Looming
Balls and Strikes: A Brief Guide to Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings, the Silliest Ritual In Washington